Today was a tough day

I am 99% certain that I miscarried today.

I go for an ultrasound tomorrow.

I am sore and aching and sad and tired.

I just need to say how thankful I am for T. and my friends who are loving and supportive.

I was at work and I was feeling sort of cramping pains in my right side. I had felt them a bit on Tuesday as well but I thought perhaps it was implantation or something because it was very mild. Not even as strong as period cramps.

But I went to the bathroom and I was spotting. It was kind of a deep mauve colour and I was feeling a little more crampy.

I called the DR and made an appt to come in. Then I thought about calling T. but I didn't want to get him worried unnecessarily so I called my S-girl.

Got to her place (after leaving work early, while totally bawling) and I laid down for awhile and sobbed.

I made her look at the colour of the blood. Yes I did. She handled my urine container on Monday to make sure I didn't screw up the test and then today, I made her look at a swab of paper with my blood on it.

That's what friends are for, folks.

She took me to my appt and came in to the room with me and spoke to the DR. He seemed totally unconcerned and gave us some requisition forms.

S-girl & I picked up T. and I left word for H. via her man as to what was going on.

Could not get in anywhere for an ultrasound today though.

Cried and slept a LOT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Every time I go to the bathroom, it looks more and more like a "regular" period so each time I go to the bathroom - I start crying again.

Logically, I realize that there was nothing I could do to stop this from happening. And I also know that if this was to be the outcome of this pregnancy, it is better that it happened sooner rather than later, but I am still really, really sad.

I am grieving, essentially, for the death of a dream.

Or has the dream really died?

Even though I have one slim hope, which is probably ridiculous, I'll tell you what it is.

I have read that women over 35 have a higher chance of having fraternal twins. So, if that's the case then MAYBE I was one of those women with two embryos. And maybe I lost one but still am carrying one.

Also, T. has said that if I want to try again that we can.

I have a lot to think about.

And I still cling to a shred of hope that the ultrasound will show me that I still have a baby to be born even though, logically, I think it's over.

I'm sorry, baby.

I never got to know you.

Sleep

I was very tired yesterday.

I had a hard time getting to sleep Monday night and Tuesday I had a headache and was nauseous all day.

It was "Fun Fair" at Little Man's school last night so I laid down for a nap before we went and I was solidly asleep. When T. came to wake me, he really scared me because I was so deeply asleep.

I went to bed last night at 10 p.m. and was right out almost immediately. Was woken up by a late-night call from H. about some confidential matters and then was back asleep again until 7:30 this morning.

Have a lesser headache today, on the left side of my head rather than my more intense headache on my right side yesterday.

At a cracker in bed before I got up.

Have kind of a metallic taste in my mouth, even after brushing my teeth this morning...

Working today, for 3 hrs. Hope all goes well.

T. is making me some peppermint tea to start off my morning.

Appointments

Dr. K. - July 13th at 2 p.m.

Pre-birth clinic at GRH - Aug 11th at 12:45 p.m. *must pick up paperwork beforehand*

Dr. C (OBGYN) - Aug 12th (must call and double-check the time)

Breakfast

Feeling a little nauseated this morning, but I think it is from my weather-related headache.

Am eating a banana and having some herbal peppermint tea.

Earlier I had 2 saltine crackers.

I am going to follow this with a slice of whole wheat toast.

The news

Yesterday I did 4 pregnancy tests.

The digital one had an error but the other 3 all showed faint 2nd lines. And the boxes indicated that the 2nd line meant pregnancy.

Then I went to my DR and did another test.

Same result.

So here I am, pregnant at 36.

I'm happy, I'm scared, I'm hopeful.

Due to my age, my weight (259 lbs) and complications I had when I had my son almost 7 years ago, I am not sure what to think about it all.

My nerves make it advisable to try and stay calm and keep my thoughts in the middle of the road.

It's obviously early in my pregnancy. Judging by when I had my last period, and using cyclespages.com I was probably most fertile around May 21.

Now let's keep in mind that this pregnancy is a surprise. We were not planning on having another baby, even though we had the desire to, due to our ages and financial state but we had discussed if we ever were to be "surprised" that, so long as the DR felt it would be safe for me to continue a pregnancy that we would be parents again.

The strange thing is that I haven't "felt" pregnant whereas I have in the past very early on.

The only possible signs (that don't crossover into the PMS category) started on Saturday night/Sunday... an increased need to urinate with smaller amounts, major itchiness of the skin on my legs and stomach and sleep disorder/disruption.

Yes, my breasts have been a bit sore, but that's normal for me when I am expecting my period and I was having cramps (normal for me) as well as lower back cramps (abnormal unless it's during menstruation).

But much to my surprise, I am actually pregnant.

And I needed somewhere to write about this, but I've got this blog set so that only the authors can read it for now. Once I make it past the first trimester, then I can share this with the world.

For now though, there are people who know but not a lot (considering how many people I know) and though I'd like to excitedly shout this from the rooftops, I am trying to be cautiously optimistic and hopeful without being convinced that this will go the way I want it to.

My ideal outcome will be that I have a healthy, happy baby and that I am a healthy, happy Momma by the end of this pregnancy.

So, to my baby, I want you. I want you to nestle in, in the right spot, and start growing strong and healthy and no matter what may happen -- I love you.