Today was a tough day

I am 99% certain that I miscarried today.

I go for an ultrasound tomorrow.

I am sore and aching and sad and tired.

I just need to say how thankful I am for T. and my friends who are loving and supportive.

I was at work and I was feeling sort of cramping pains in my right side. I had felt them a bit on Tuesday as well but I thought perhaps it was implantation or something because it was very mild. Not even as strong as period cramps.

But I went to the bathroom and I was spotting. It was kind of a deep mauve colour and I was feeling a little more crampy.

I called the DR and made an appt to come in. Then I thought about calling T. but I didn't want to get him worried unnecessarily so I called my S-girl.

Got to her place (after leaving work early, while totally bawling) and I laid down for awhile and sobbed.

I made her look at the colour of the blood. Yes I did. She handled my urine container on Monday to make sure I didn't screw up the test and then today, I made her look at a swab of paper with my blood on it.

That's what friends are for, folks.

She took me to my appt and came in to the room with me and spoke to the DR. He seemed totally unconcerned and gave us some requisition forms.

S-girl & I picked up T. and I left word for H. via her man as to what was going on.

Could not get in anywhere for an ultrasound today though.

Cried and slept a LOT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Every time I go to the bathroom, it looks more and more like a "regular" period so each time I go to the bathroom - I start crying again.

Logically, I realize that there was nothing I could do to stop this from happening. And I also know that if this was to be the outcome of this pregnancy, it is better that it happened sooner rather than later, but I am still really, really sad.

I am grieving, essentially, for the death of a dream.

Or has the dream really died?

Even though I have one slim hope, which is probably ridiculous, I'll tell you what it is.

I have read that women over 35 have a higher chance of having fraternal twins. So, if that's the case then MAYBE I was one of those women with two embryos. And maybe I lost one but still am carrying one.

Also, T. has said that if I want to try again that we can.

I have a lot to think about.

And I still cling to a shred of hope that the ultrasound will show me that I still have a baby to be born even though, logically, I think it's over.

I'm sorry, baby.

I never got to know you.